why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
