Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
