this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
