Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize