please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
