Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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