; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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