We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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