My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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