about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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