i think my mom watched the whole time
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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