My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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