So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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