I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
