Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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