Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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