I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
