Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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