I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
