I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize