I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
