Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
