I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
