if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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