I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
