Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
