I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
