My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
