eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
