I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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