don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
