It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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