her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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