I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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