The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
my shit smells like andre
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
