Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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