Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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