Umm I'm too high to move.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
