ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
