If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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