laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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