My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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