I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize