So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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