Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
