In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
