My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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