I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
