Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
