Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
