Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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