I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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