Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
