I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
