Barsexuality is the new black.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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