I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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