This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
