I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's blow job season.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize