the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
